Kink, like any world, has its own language, and understanding it is key to navigating it with confidence. This glossary provides definitions, context, and insights into terms commonly used in BDSM and alternative relationship dynamics.
Relationship Dynamics
- Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): An umbrella term for relationships in which all partners agree to engage in multiple sexual or romantic relationships. This includes various forms such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.
- Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): Similar to CNM, this term emphasises the importance of honesty, transparency, and consent in engaging in multiple relationships.
- Polyamory: The practice of engaging in multiple romantic or intimate relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. The term combines Greek and Latin roots: ‘poly’ meaning ‘many’ and ‘amory’ meaning ‘love.’
- Polycule: A network of interconnected individuals in polyamorous relationships. The structure can vary widely, encompassing various relationship dynamics among its members.
- Metamour: A term used to describe your partner’s partner, with whom you do not share a direct romantic or sexual relationship. For example, if your partner has another partner, that person is your metamour.
- Compersion: The feeling of joy one experiences when their partner finds pleasure and fulfillment in another relationship. It’s often described as the opposite of jealousy in the context of polyamory.
- Hierarchical Polyamory: A structure in which relationships are ranked in terms of importance or priority. Typically, there is a ‘primary’ relationship that may hold more significance, with ‘secondary’ or ‘tertiary’ relationships considered of lesser priority.
- Non-Hierarchical Polyamory: A relationship structure where no single relationship is deemed more important than another. All relationships are considered equal, and there is no ranking system among partners.
- Polyfidelity: A form of polyamory where all members are equally committed to each other and agree not to engage in sexual or romantic relationships outside of the established group.
- Solo Polyamory: An approach where an individual engages in multiple relationships but maintains an independent lifestyle without seeking to merge lives, finances, or housing with partners. Autonomy and personal freedom are emphasised.
- Kitchen Table Polyamory: A style of polyamorous relationships where all partners and metamours are comfortable spending time together, akin to sitting around the kitchen table. This approach fosters a sense of community and openness among all involved.
- Parallel Polyamory: A form of polyamory where one’s partners prefer not to interact or engage with each other. Relationships run concurrently but separately, with minimal or no contact between metamours.
- New Relationship Energy (NRE): The excitement and emotional high experienced at the beginning of a new romantic relationship. In polyamorous contexts, managing NRE is important to maintain balance among multiple relationships.
- Vee (V) Relationship: A polyamorous relationship involving three people where one person (the ‘hinge’) is romantically involved with two others (the ‘arms’), who are not romantically involved with each other.
- Triad: A relationship involving three individuals who are all romantically or sexually involved with each other. Also known as a ‘throuple.’
- Quad: A relationship involving four individuals, which can form through two couples coming together or other configurations. The relationships among members can vary in terms of romantic and sexual involvement.
- Swinging: A form of non-monogamy where committed couples engage in sexual activities with others, typically in a recreational or social context. Emotional or romantic connections are generally not pursued.
- Open Relationship: A relationship in which partners agree that each may engage in sexual or romantic relationships with other people. The specifics can vary widely and are typically negotiated between partners.
- Monogamish: A term popularised by author Dan Savage, describing a relationship that is primarily monogamous but allows for occasional sexual experiences outside the partnership, under agreed-upon conditions.
- Relationship Anarchy: A philosophy that rejects traditional relationship hierarchies and labels, advocating for relationships based on individual autonomy, consent, and mutual agreement rather than societal norms.
BDSM
BDSM in an initialism for Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism terms commonly used in the BDSM community.
- Bondage and discipline (B & D or B/D)
- Dominance and submission (D & S or D/s) (including “master and slave” role-playing scenarios and ongoing relationship structures)
- Sadism and masochism (S & M or S/M)
BDSM Glossary
- 24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.
- Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.
- BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.
- Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, but it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.
- Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.
- Brat / Bratting: A sub who behaves disobediently, mischievously, or uncontrollably; often to provoke a response. This dynamic is consented to by both parties, where the top is often referred to as a “brat tamer”.
- Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented (often with a locking device) from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner.
- Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.
- Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant of a sub’s service. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).
- Consensual non-consent (CNC): An agreement where parties act as if consent has been waived. Consent is given in advance for some or any actions, and the dominant has the discretion to continue with any action or activity, even after the subject would have otherwise indicated they wish to withdraw consent.
- Consent: Mutual agreement to terms of action, as in a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.
- D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve a psychologically-based power exchange.
- Dungeon monitor (DM): A person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeon to enforce house rules—essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They may also help in basic ways, such as giving water to participants.
- Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant – contrasted with sub). This term is generally used for male dominants, but can be used for anyone regardless of gender.
- Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrasted with submissive.
- Domme: A female dominant (see also Dominatrix).
- Domspace: The euphoric state of mind a dom may enter during a scene. May include an intensified perception of the scene.
- Dungeon: A room or area containing BDSM equipment and space for scenes.
- Edgeplay: Higher risk activity, physically and/or emotionally. Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for one person may not be as risky for another), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay. Examples may include bloodplay, breath play and gunplay.
- Erotic humiliation: Humiliating someone during a sexual act. This act could be either verbal or physical (for example, insulting a partner, making a partner display their private parts to a group of people, or even urinating or defecating on a partner). It can be a great source of pleasure for some people.
- Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension, inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (See also tease and denial and chastity.)
- Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.
- Financial domination: (Also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish associated with a practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money Mistress/Master, findomme/findom, money Dom/Domme or cash Master/Mistress).
- Gorean: A lifestyle based on the fictional slavery practice outlined in John Norman novels. The dynamic is typically male-dominant and female-submissive (“kajia”).It is generally seen as distinct from the BDSM community at large.
- Handkerchief codes: A code used to indicate to others one’s area of interest in a sexual context, ex: a Handkerchief worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom; generally used in an LGBT context.
- Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to “soft limits”).
- High protocol: refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rituals and rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed.
- Hogtie: Tying up a submissive’s wrists and ankles, fastening them together behind their back using physical restraints, such as rope or cuffs.
- Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with impacts from whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.
- Inspection: A form of scenario play, usually in a Master/slave-like relationship, where a submissive has to strip naked at the command of a dominant and adopt a pose to have their body, posture, grooming, and appearance inspected. They may also have the execution of other duties examined during this time. During an inspection, areas of their body and their state may be examined. After an inspection, a sub may be rewarded for passing or punished for failing. Inspections may also be performed for eroticism or objectification, either in private or in view of others.
- Kinbaku (Shibari): Literally means “tight binding.”. Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage which combines elegant simplicity and intricate patterns into Kinbaku-bi (“beauty of tight binding.”).
- Kinky sex: Any sexual act that is generally considered to be unconventional.
- Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits) or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).
- Masochism: Act of receiving pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation.
- Masochist: Person who enjoys pain, often sexually.
- Master/slave: A consensual relationship where people enter a D/s dynamic with a focus on service and obedience. This may be part of a 24/7 lifestyle and/or multiple scenes. A collaring ceremony may be performed where a Master symbolically or literally places a collar on the slave to establish “ownership”, often around the neck or wrists/ankles. This type of collar often differs from a scene-specific restraint and may be worn 24/7 or only during scenes. Non-gendered terms such as “Mx” can be used .
- Munch: A non-sexual BDSM meetup at a “vanilla” location with appropriate attire. Munches are typically networking, education and community events rather than for “cruising”.
- Pain slut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain.
- Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes. Generally, there is are dedicated areas for socializing, changing into fetishwear, and BDSM/sexual activities.
- Ponyboy or Ponygirl: A sub dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.
- Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK): A framework that emphasizes shared responsibility for understanding and communicating risks. Combines aspects of SSC and RACK to address criticisms of each.
- ProDom: Male professional dominant who exchanges money or goods for BDSM services.
- ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).
- Pup-play / Puppy Play: Play where the sub acts like a puppy.
- Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK): Describes a philosophical perspective within the BDSM community that prioritizes informed consent and awareness of the risks involved in BDSM activities. Unlike other guidelines that may focus on ensuring activities are inherently “safe,” RACK emphasizes the importance of all participants being fully educated about the risks they are taking.
- Rope bondage: The act of tying up or binding a person with rope such as in Japanese Kinbaku.
- Ruination: Bringing someone to the edge of orgasm and preventing climax. See also Edging (sexual practice) and Forced orgasm.
- Sadism: The act of receiving pleasure from inflicting pain.
- Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.
- Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC): A guideline, used by some in the BDSM community, that emphasizes ensuring that activities are safe, all participants have capacity to give consent, and explicit consent is obtained from all parties involved. This approach is sometimes contrasted with RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), which emphasizes informed risk-taking over predetermined notions of safety.
- Safeword: A mutually agreed upon word, phrase or gesture that can be used at any time to communicate the need for reduced intensity, a break or an immediate stop. Common safewords include “Yellow” to slow down/reduce intensity, and “Red” or “Safeword” to immediately stop. If the bottom is unable to communicate verbally, a gesture such as making a fist or raising/dropping an arm can be used for the same purpose.
- Scene: Refers to the setting and participation of a BDSM activity.
- Sensation play: class of activities meant to impart physical sensations upon a partner, as opposed to mental forms of erotic play such as power exchange or sexual roleplaying.
- Service submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.
- Slave: A submissive who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).
- Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, but it is preferable if it is negotiated into a scene at a trial stage or at beginner level.
- Sub drop: A strong physical and emotional response experienced by a participant in a BDSM scene. This can last for minutes, hours or days and include flu-like symptoms and strong emotions such as shame. Tops can also experience drop after a scene. Drop can be somewhat mitigated but not fully prevented by aftercare, including warmth, chocolate, quiet, darkness, cuddling and food/water.
- Submissive (or “sub” for short): A person that gives up control, either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with “bottom” or “slave”).
- Subspace: A psychological state caused by excitement and sense of “letting go” of control during a scene. Typically experienced by submissives, s-types, or bottoms during a BDSM scene. It is often described as a “natural high” where the individual feels disconnected from time, space, and their body. Tops must monitor their partner’s well-being during a scene since they may not be able to communicate their needs. Can be succeeded by sub drop.
- Switch: A person who is contextually dominant and submissive during the same or separate scenes. Depending on preference, this could depend on their partner’s gender identity or type of BDSM play.
- Top: The person “doing the action” (contrasted with bottom – the person receiving the action). A top is not necessarily dominant in the scene.
- Topping from the bottom: Derogatory term for an attempt to direct the top/dominant during a scene in a way not otherwise agreed upon. Bratting is an exception to this.
- TPE (Total Power Exchange): A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive’s life, making the majority of decisions.
- Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.
- Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does not encompass BDSM activity.
Some definitions in this glossary are adapted from Wikipedia for clarity and consistency. For further reading, visit Wikipedia.
