The Challenges in Polyamory and Alternative Dynamics
Regardless of sexual orientation, background, or desire, isn’t our pursuit centred on emotional intimacy? We search for someone who completes, mirrors and challenges us. Someone whose presence consumes our thoughts day and night, the last thing on our minds at night and first in the morning. We want to share every moment, every thought, to be ourselves, loved, liberated, and accepted.
But how often do these connections come along? Once, twice, maybe four times within a lifetime?
Are we wired to fall in love with only one person at a time? Or can we serve more than one Master? This leads to a broader question: If someone is genuinely in love, why would they desire anyone else? Or, to phrase it differently, Within the realm of open relationships, have we simply not found the right person yet?
Polyamory vs monogamy, open vs closed. Can a profound emotional connection and intimacy truly coexist with many partners?
If someone is genuinely in love, why would they desire anyone else? Or, to phrase it differently, Within the realm of open relationships, have we simply not found the right person yet?
Exploring Polyamory, Fantasy vs Reality
The idea of a utopian commune inhabited by sexually liberated kinksters presents an enticing slice of unconventional paradise. Whether indulging in a hedonistic ‘Eyes wide shut’ lifestyle of uninhibited sexual exploration, navigating a polyamorous dynamic, engaging in a clandestine love affair, arrangement, or simply embracing friends with benefits, we find ourselves on a less trodden path.
The Dom-sub culture can seamlessly align with the concept of polyamorous groups, such as the commanding dominant at the core of The Citadel, with numerous slaves dutifully complying with his or her every whim and desire. But can this fantasy translate into reality?
Polyamory can present a certain mystique and cult-like seduction, an enchanting wonder when observed from the outside in. However, upon closer inspection, the layers reveal suffering. Rarely do all parties find simultaneous happiness and contentment. Categorizing or compartmentalizing people becomes as prevalent as it is challenging, as attachments shift, alliances form, and competition emerges. The desire to be chosen and the fear of abandonment become recurring themes, echoing former familial dynamics.
Submission and dominance in any asymmetrical relationship structure at best demonstrate potential. For a dominant, the urge to explore tantalising limits and boundaries grows stronger. As a submissive, resistance becomes futile, as we embark on a daunting journey of relinquishing control. We become vulnerable and exposed before an increasingly powerful presence, succumbing to something greater than ourselves. Yet, without foundational support, this dynamic will inevitably reach a point of no return. It might take months or even years, but a D/s relationship demands equality. If the balance of investment is skewed, failure becomes inevitable; the only uncertainty is when.
At worst, our attributes can become cherry-picked, and foundation-less tasks render punishments meaningless. Consistency erodes as variety takes precedence, reducing the relationship to a mere ‘scene’ or ‘session’, due to minimal investment and lack of desire beyond those moments. We might find we have become compartmentalised without our consent, all contributing parts of a whole we are unable to escape.
Jealousy And Fear, The Monsters In The Dark
While it appears that few are willing to embrace emotions like jealousy or acknowledge their needs, with some insisting on outright comparison (often echoed unsurprisingly by the primary, seemingly unaffected by jealousy), one might wonder if these individuals are genuinely in touch with their emotions. Is their liberation so profound it becomes safer to feign indifference, deny, or opt for connections that shield them from vulnerability, and so-called negative emotions?
Trusting and being vulnerable with one person is an intense experience, where the stakes are higher than spreading oneself within a group or among others. Yet, societal conditioning often leads us to believe the opposite. The challenges arise as suppressed or shattered expectations dissipate, bleeding out gradually until the heart of the issue is confronted.
This leads us to the subsequent challenge rooted in honesty. How can we be transparent with others and navigate the complexities of the group dynamic, (which functions as an entity in its own right), when we struggle to be entirely truthful with ourselves?
We may perceive ourselves as the epitome of social and sexual revolution, convinced of our success where others have faltered; boasting transparency, communicativeness, liberation, non-judgment, and generosity. However, beneath this facade lies a melting pot of poor boundaries, unmet expectations, unrealistic goals, and breakdowns in communication, challenges that even the best among us contend with.
Perhaps the issue also lies in having deprioritised ourselves by initially accepting and maintaining the role we find ourselves in. Whether it’s willingly embracing the position of an affair partner, lover, non-primary, or, in the context of poly relationships, being designated as the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. Regardless of whether we consciously embraced this role, or naively believed we could ascend through the ranks over time; given that people and circumstances evolve, the question still arises: Does it ever truly unfold as anticipated? Or, by default, have we set the precedent?
Furthermore, particularly when stemming from a foundation of sacrifice driven by love, is our contribution even appreciated, or worse, taken for granted? In effect, have we signed our own death warrant?
Adding the layer of D/s complexity into the mix, submission in a non-primary relationship demands even more delicate care and understanding. The expected and freely given attitude of surrender in this scenario, despite the inherent vulnerability, may lead to a situation where you find yourself giving everything to a partner who reciprocates far less. Prompting contemplation on whether any real D/s relationship can function, let alone flourish, outside a primary position?
Monogamy In A Non-Commital Era
Regardless of sexual orientation, with labels like ENM (ethical non-monogamy) now commonplace, our relational landscape has changed. Instead of a journey with largely understood expectations and long-term shared goals worthy of investment, dating and relating have become a minefield of widespread non-commitment coupled with an aversion to anything remotely monogamous.
Being considered ‘needy’ is treated as if it’s some kind of parasitic disease, in favour of a plethora of labels demonstrating one’s liberal attitudes and superior emotional maturity. But do these labels genuinely align with our desires?
On the flip side, the preference or pursuit of monogamy can send potential suitors running for the hills. They are accustomed to their freedoms, whether exercised or not, and may feel cheated out of reaching that point themselves. And the question arises: Is seeking security prioritised over dating me?
When freedom, or its imposition, becomes expected, it loses its appeal and power. Similarly, in the realm of D/s dynamics, submission is a choice. Wouldn’t you become resentful if your collar was never removed, as opposed to it being your choice to wear it? Or your dominance mandatory rather than gifted? Shouldn’t we opt to be open or monogamous by our own volition, rather than having these aspects imposed on us?
Imposed monogamy can feel stifling, particularly in an era where openness and polyamory are flaunted as the new norm. But does monogamy really scream insecurity? Or does it actually stem from a place of strength, respect, and commitment?
Traditionally, commitment, marriage, and children were part of the natural progression of dating. One didn’t need to explicitly state these expectations. However, in today’s world, being forthright or having expectations isn’t as simple. Casual dating apps have played a significant role, transforming the pursuit of genuine connections into a dying art form. Why invest in creating meaningful relationships when you can easily swipe right for a casual encounter or convey feelings through emojis instead of engaging in meaningful communication? The consequences are profound, contributing to an increasing and pervasive loneliness epidemic.
Navigating Open Relationships – Lessons Learned
Within the complexity of open relationship dynamics, the foundation lies in meeting expectations, where understanding each other’s love languages becomes paramount. Time allocation transforms into valuable love currency, acknowledging time as the most precious gift one can offer. As these connections typically operate at a reduced or limited primary relationship capacity, individuals willingly accept these unspoken conditions as part of the arrangement. Unless in a primary role, one may struggle with the challenges of navigating holidays, birthdays, weekends, and the inevitable moments when personal support is needed, often finding oneself alone.
Another challenge arises from the inherent differences in experience and emotional maturity levels. Unlike a one-size-fits-all course, the disparity between expectations and realities in these conditions raises questions about whether the utopian ideal can ever be ethically and happily achieved.
Open relationships serve as teachers, albeit ones with limited sympathy, empathy, or humour. They impart lessons in humility, understanding, compassion, empowerment, honesty, and enhanced communication skills. From these connections, deep friendships, whether intimate or platonic, may evolve. They can teach you to release your grip on love, allowing it to return and choose you willingly.
However, they can also pull you through the proverbial hedge backwards, leaving you with a profound sense of loneliness and minimal support, as others may not comprehend, pass judgment, or offer sympathy. I’ve witnessed marriages dissolve and lives torn apart in the name of progressive openness and polyamory, where the reality of opening up one’s relationship signifies the beginning of a slow and extracted end.
From my own experience, I’ve found the intensity and profound connection experienced in a committed, prioritised, loving primary relationship unparalleled. In such an environment, concepts like consensual non-consent and total power exchange can thrive, although there may be rare exceptions to this observation. However, with each additional connection we open ourselves to, the potential for that deep bond becomes diluted as the support structures naturally diminish.
Crossing The Rubicon – Freedom And Security In Relationships
After indulging in the fruit of knowledge and revelling in these freedoms and choices, a crucial question emerges: Does it not come at a tremendous cost? And once we’ve crossed the Rubicon, is there a way back?
Does it not come at a tremendous cost? And once we’ve crossed the Rubicon, is there a way back?
While openness to a certain extent is undoubtedly attractive, so is security.
Reflecting on my own journey through these dynamics, I neither fear nor exclusively choose openness or monogamy; I have experienced both.
When considering my ideal future, I imagine my dominant partner granting me freedom, yet I willingly choose to submit, never feeling the desire to leave. I believe power resides fundamentally in choice. While I recognise the potential to please many, I can only truly serve one.
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