Dating Outside The Kink Community
A friend of a friend insisted on setting me up on a blind date with an eligible alpha. In hindsight, I should have declined. However, I agreed for various reasons: To push myself out of my comfort zone, gain some perspective, and recognise that not all dates are romantically destined.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be so insular given my lifestyle preferences, and this opportunity might have been offered for reasons yet unknown. However, I didn’t fully realise this was a vanilla date.
The Challenge of Dating Vanilla
Sometimes my kinky friends wonder (in their own words) if they are weird. They occasionally try to date vanilla, or those with no experience within the BDSM umbrella, only to find half of themselves and the relationship potential unavailable. This isn’t to say one needs to swing from the chandeliers 24/7, but craving a dynamic that, for the most part, can remain dormant, yet not having it feels like the removal of a vital organ.
In many ways, it can feel like a curse, the beast requiring constant feeding yet never truly sated. Wouldn’t it be easier if we didn’t have these feelings in the first place? Finding a match, or those seeking compromise in vanilla relationships can prove futile. So why not pretend we’re not kinky anymore, at least just once, for convenience’s sake?
Depth Over Superficiality
Shortly after our introductions, my date launched into what felt like a non-consensual ‘all about me’ performance, reminiscent of a male peacock fanning his plumage, but without authenticity. He came across like a well-rehearsed pitch from a TV sales channel. While I listened to his accolades, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was even there when a full-length mirror might have been more suitable.
It felt a bit like dancing in masks, curating what we think are the best versions of ourselves. Politely laughing at the right moment, interjecting with humour, current affairs, or trusted anecdotes we know work. I am not dismissing the art of communication, as this is a perfectly reasonable way to get to know someone, but something crucial was missing.
Connection in BDSM
The desire to invest, explore, or genuinely get to know each other beyond our well-presented facades was absent.
What do we love, hate, crave, and want? What are we hiding? What scares, excites, or makes us feel vulnerable? The more we take the time to understand someone, the more we can push, and play with power, control, submission, and ultimately trust.
While superficiality led our conversation, the veneer of convention remained steadfast in the absence of icebreakers. Instead of breaking down barriers our Ivory towers grew taller.
Void of both vulnerability and acceptance, my suitor seemed almost hostile to any change in demeanour. There was little common ground, few shared interests, or none worthy of note. Perhaps if we’d shared a profession, hobby, or childhood town, a closeness may have been briefly nurtured, but there’s nothing like sharing one’s deepest, darkest fantasies with a stranger. Before you know it, trust is established, vulnerability is created in revealing secrets, and a bond is formed through shared understanding.
Conventions and judgments based on things like status, wealth, profession, and age cease to exist. The veil is broken. We no longer identify ourselves with our career, aspirations, or past. We become almost childlike, reveling in connection rather than battling through the walls of projection. The veneer of pretence shatters as the ivory towers fall, and journeys may begin.
Whatever one may think of BDSM, it acts as an incredible vehicle to connect people beyond the superficial because we have to play the game of trust; there is no other way.
Whatever one may think of BDSM, it acts as an incredible vehicle to connect people beyond the superficial because we have to play the game of trust; there is no other way.
More than Superficial
Do I care your kids went to the most expensive private school, you have four homes, and a six-figure salary? No, I don’t. I want to know what makes you smile, what excites or upsets you, that you might struggle with something, but are brave and vulnerable enough to share it. You might even have a secret addiction. Your desires, fantasies, hopes, wishes, and what your heart loves to do. I want to know all your flaws, fears, and vulnerabilities because, in my eyes, they are what make us interesting and real.
A Freak Between the Sheets
My date, now reaching fever pitch in self-rapture, centred the conversation on (his) aspirational ideals, hinged on (his) wealth and success echoed by the exuberant surroundings. All lovely, of course, yet I remind myself of the bubble and privilege that comes with it. The compliments and conversation flow, which on the whole was enjoyable yet tinged with an unsettling disingenuousness.
Consequently, I felt a bit like an accessory, a potential notch in an old-school leather belt. I was unaware of the game I was playing. Perhaps the Peacock had a strategy, but I didn’t. I’d long forgotten vanilla dating protocols, other than wishing to be myself. Yet, would I be accepted? Or am I too corrupted? A troubling curiosity. A freak between the sheets?
What Was Missing
The encounter made me reflect on the stark difference between vanilla dating and connecting with a dominant. A dominant man doesn’t just want to share a moment; he wants to own you, body and soul.
A dominant man doesn’t just want to share a moment; he wants to own you, body and soul.
This deep, consuming connection makes vanilla interactions seem superficial in comparison. With a dominant, every glance, every touch, and every word often carries weight and intention.
There is a profound depth, an unspoken understanding, and a shared journey into each other’s psyche. The intensity of wanting to explore each other’s minds and bodies, pushing boundaries, and building unbreakable trust is unparalleled. The superficial conversations about material success and societal status feel empty when you’ve experienced the raw, unfiltered, primal connection with someone who seeks to understand and possess your very soul.
Embracing Myself
That afternoon, more than half of what makes me who I am was hidden. Even if I had risked exposure, I could not have expected to be understood, and ultimately I wasn’t.
My thoughts are not meant as criticisms, judgments, or any kind of critique. They’re merely the observations of a silent witness and proactive participant.
Neither am I trying to promote BDSM over a more vanilla dynamic. We are all each to our own. However, for me, this was the only and last time I will entertain a vanilla date. I’m simply not willing to compromise who I am for the sake of another.
However, it was an interesting experience, offering reflection and perspective, but I know my place, and that’s firmly at the feet of a natural dominant who desires to own not just my body but my soul ❤️
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